I miss the days.....

I just have to get this off of my chest. I miss the days when I felt good. when I could be a mom. When I could take care of my family. I miss the days when I could get out of bed and not have to run to the bathroom or puke or try not to puke everyday. I miss the days when I could take the kids to their activities or appointments and not have to schedule around Ryan's work so he was there to help me in case I was having a really bad day and can't get out of bed. I miss the days when I was me! My kids are growing up so fast and I've missed out on a lot because of my health. I feel like all they are going to remember when they grow up is when they would ask if we could go do something and all they are going to remember is me saying "not today guys. I don't feel good." I'm so over this. I want to just feel good! I want to just be able to take care of my family. I want to scream "this isn't fair!" But I'm trying not to because so many others have been through so much more than me. It's affecting me. It's affecting my kids. It's affecting my marriage. I'm lost and don't know what to do or try anymore. All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mom and a wife and I can't even do that anymore. I sit and cry so much because I feel so guilty. I envy those moms who can go to all of their kids activities/appointments and not have to worry about if they are going to feel well enough to go. I get angry at the moms that complain about how much running around they have to do with their kids because I would give ANYTHING to be able to run my kids from place to place to place and not have to worry about if I have my meds or a puke bag or where the bathroom is or did I pack a snack in case I get lightheaded. I envy my sisters for everything they do with/for their kids and their families. My kids would be so much better off with a different mom. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have had kids because they deserve so much more than I have given them. They're such good kids and deserve so much more than me. Mu husband deserves so much more than me. I'm tired and I'm sick of fighting for everyday. I guess if I had answers as to why I am still sick it would be better because then at least I would know what I was facing. Right now I don't know what I am facing. Everything is unknown.