Friday, April 27, 2007

Pragnancy and infant loss awareness

Well for 3 weeks now my life has been consumed by the loss of our little one. For those of you that don't know, we went to the doctor on April 6th to find out the gender of our baby and instead saw our baby lying very still with no heart beat. Who knew this could happen to me at 18.5 weeks. Just when I had started to feel safe. I had a d and c on April 9th and our baby got her wings and became one of God's angels. The night before I had my d and c I had a dream that I was at a memorial for my baby and I saw she was a girl and in my dream we named her Lilly. (We didn't find out the sex) So for my sake I call the baby Lilly because I cannot call Lilly "it" or "the baby" anymore. She needs a name! I don't want her to be forgotten. So if I write Lilly just know I am talking about our angel. I have spent many hours on the internet looking for poems and quotes to help me feel better and when the pain is not so raw, I plan on doing some scrapbook pages in honor of Lilly. While I was researching I found a site that is dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss awareness and also found that October 15th is the day set aside for remembering all the angel babies that have passed. I am trying to be strong but it is so hard when I see so many things that remind me I am no longer pregnant. I would never wish this on the worst person in the world but at the same time I wonder, why do others get to keep theirs and I not mine?! Here are a few of my favorite quotes and 2 poems I found:
~An Angel, in the book of life, wrote down our baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for Earth.
~Gone yet not forgotten, although we are apart,your spirit lives within me, forever in my heart.
~It's hard to say goodbye, before you even had a chance to say hello.
I prayed that you would come to me and nestle in my womb,I waited for eternity and I was filled with doom.But then one day I realised that God had heard my prayer,My heart was filled with happiness when I found out you were there.I told the world about you, how you'd finally come to me,You touched the lives of all of us In that time you stayed with me.We wondered who you'd look like, we even chose your name,From the moment that I knew you things were not the same again.I wondered if your hair was fair and if your eyes were blue,Were you a boy or a little girl? I had such plans for you.I loved you every minute of every day that passed.I should have known such happiness could never really last.For just a short while later, God called you from above,He needed my dear Angel In his nursery up above.My heart was deeply saddened when I lost you, little one,My life felt very empty when I knew that you had gone.You must have been too precious to walk this earth with me,You weren't meant to feel pain or ever hurt, you see.I know you're playing happily In Heaven's nursery up above,And I know that you can feel that I've sent you all my love.So play on and be happy with your family up there too,For life on earth is very short and soon I'll be with you.
~*What makes a mother?*
Written by Jennifer Wasik
In memory of Zachery Wasik.
I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby" This we know is true "But God can you be a Mother, When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice "I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here." He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you, What your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come strait here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, But I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in My home, And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me, Until your lesson's through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart it's the love you had so much of Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother. Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"