Wednesday, October 15, 2008

One year ago today....



October 15th is a day filled with many emotions. It is recognized as the day for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. So a year ago I was honoring our lil Lilly we lost, but on that VERY SAME DAY, I found out I was carrying another special little being. I was instantly filled with so many emotions! INSTANT Anxiety, fear, confusion, and sadness all for the fear that I again would not get to meet this little one and would suffer another loss! I remember being so scared and coming out of the bathroom crying and shaking so bad, and then collapsing into Ryan's arms and crying. I was so so scared! But ultimately at the same moment I felt LOVE. LOVE that I already had for this little person growing inside of me. But how would I deal if I lost this one too. I tried to stay positive and I don't know how Kamdyn made it! He must be so strong. I was so riddled with anxiety the whole time, I thought for sure something would be wrong with him. And then at 8 weeks I started spotting and I just knew it was all coming to an end. I kept praying that it wouldn't but if it was going to I wanted it to happen then. I didn't want to wait for 19 weeks and get attached to this little person and lose them again! But he persevered and showed me how wrong I was!! I still worry daily that I will lose him to SIDS or something but he is such a strong lil guy! I love him so much!! So today has mixed feelings. I miss Lilly and think about her often, but I wouldn't trade Kamdyn for anything in the world! He is mine forever!




5 comments:

Desi said...

My heart is with you and your little Lilly. (((HUGS)))
You and Kamdyn look so great in your hospital pics. I too worry about SIDS and all that other stuff! It never ends it seems.

Melea said...

O' Misty. I'm sitting here crying. I think you are also an amazingly strong person. I remember we were due about the same time and I was instantly heart sick when Spencer told me what had happened. I felt so sad for your loss. I'm sorry you lost your sweet Lilly. Those Lilly's are special little girls. Your little Kamdyn is an angel. I know the stress of something happening to him must be overwhelming at times, but he is a strong little bugger. You have been so blessed with him and his sweet little personality. I hope you are doing ok, you are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Jen said...

I love you girl.

Trixy said...

And cute he is. You are a very strong person I am sorry you had to go through that trial. But you have a very cute family

Jodie said...

Misty I could never imagine losing a child that far along. You are a very strong woman. The month before I got pregnant with Sara, I had a miscarriage. I still think about that little spirit and I hope that one day we will meet again.